This time last year, I would never have guessed this is where I would be

If someone told me this time last year that I would now be single, living with my friend and a dog (the one that used to be “ours”), I probably would have been thinking “how rude for you to dismiss my relationship”. Sadly, they would have been right. But no one did say that, I had people telling me we were great for each other, and meant to be, and all the other things you could think of.

This time last year, I was in love with him. Now I still love him, but I can’t be in love with him.

This time last year, we were finishing packing, getting ready to head all the way across the country with each other. Not a little step, and one in which I feel like, now, should have been thought out a little bit better. I kept hearing “what will happen if you two break up”, and my only response is “I don’t think that will happen”. But it did, and now I’m stuck here trying to move on. It’s (only) been 3 months since he quit on us, and it still hurts to think of it, even to this day. I know why he did it, I still can’t accept it though.

Why would only one of us still be able to see the good in the other person? Why is it that he couldn’t tell me that he was having issues with more than what I knew or could realize was going on? I hate that he lost his confidence in me, and lost trust, and lost his ability to love me. Hearing the “I’ll always love you” was like someone stabbing into my heart and turning the knife, I can’t stand hearing it. All I could respond with was “I want you to always love me in the sense that you truly love me now, not the you used to love me.”

I definitely went through all the post relationship stages, I hurt, then I was mad, then it hurt some more, I even questioned a lot of the things I did.

I still love him, and that’s what scares me, is that I still love the person that accused me of cheating, and couldn’t trust me enough to believe that I wouldn’t do what he could even think of.

I don’t fall in love easily, and when I do, it’s for real, so why would I mess that up, especially over a younger, married man, who isn’t faithful to his own wife? I don’t find that attractive. What I find attractive is a man who is caring, giving, loves his family, his animals, and is willing to put others first before himself. Sadly that last one stopped involving me. And why after knowing that, do I still love him? I wish I knew, but I don’t.

This time last year I was madly in love with him, and now, I’m just the ex-girlfriend, who still loves him, and would help him as much as I can, but I can’t do that because I know what I feel isn’t what he feels. And that is what scares me the most about loving him still.

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One thought on “This time last year, I would never have guessed this is where I would be

  1. This hit pretty deep for me. Despite the pain, despite the doubt, despite what was supposed to be true but now feels like lies… as cliche as this is, there’s meaning to it. We never know what it is until it’s staring us in the face and engulfing our very being, reducing our vocabulary to “this is it!! THIS. IS. IT!”

    The love you still hold for him is a testament of your dedication, of what he lost and left behind. It shows your strength, even if it feels like a weakness now. Maybe you will always love him, or maybe it’ll fade, or maybe it’ll morph into the memories you draw upon for strength along the rest of your journey…

    Whatever it may be now, or may become, cherish it.

    Like

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