If there’s anything I have learned…

It is to find a good friend who is willing to help you through almost anything.

It is to practice, practice, practice. Never give up on your dream, it is a dream for a reason, and with enough time and effort, you should be able to reach it.

It is that you’re allowed to be discouraged, but don’t ever quit.

It is that education is important, but there are times where getting experience outside of the classroom will benefit the most.

It is that dogs are the best thing to have when in grad school, they make sure you take study breaks, and do make you happier over all.

It is that you learn as you go, don’t expect to have all the answers.

It is that having a few true friends is better than having 25 friends who you don’t really ever talk to.

It is that you need to love yourself before you can truly ever love someone else.

 

This time last year, I would never have guessed this is where I would be

If someone told me this time last year that I would now be single, living with my friend and a dog (the one that used to be “ours”), I probably would have been thinking “how rude for you to dismiss my relationship”. Sadly, they would have been right. But no one did say that, I had people telling me we were great for each other, and meant to be, and all the other things you could think of.

This time last year, I was in love with him. Now I still love him, but I can’t be in love with him.

This time last year, we were finishing packing, getting ready to head all the way across the country with each other. Not a little step, and one in which I feel like, now, should have been thought out a little bit better. I kept hearing “what will happen if you two break up”, and my only response is “I don’t think that will happen”. But it did, and now I’m stuck here trying to move on. It’s (only) been 3 months since he quit on us, and it still hurts to think of it, even to this day. I know why he did it, I still can’t accept it though.

Why would only one of us still be able to see the good in the other person? Why is it that he couldn’t tell me that he was having issues with more than what I knew or could realize was going on? I hate that he lost his confidence in me, and lost trust, and lost his ability to love me. Hearing the “I’ll always love you” was like someone stabbing into my heart and turning the knife, I can’t stand hearing it. All I could respond with was “I want you to always love me in the sense that you truly love me now, not the you used to love me.”

I definitely went through all the post relationship stages, I hurt, then I was mad, then it hurt some more, I even questioned a lot of the things I did.

I still love him, and that’s what scares me, is that I still love the person that accused me of cheating, and couldn’t trust me enough to believe that I wouldn’t do what he could even think of.

I don’t fall in love easily, and when I do, it’s for real, so why would I mess that up, especially over a younger, married man, who isn’t faithful to his own wife? I don’t find that attractive. What I find attractive is a man who is caring, giving, loves his family, his animals, and is willing to put others first before himself. Sadly that last one stopped involving me. And why after knowing that, do I still love him? I wish I knew, but I don’t.

This time last year I was madly in love with him, and now, I’m just the ex-girlfriend, who still loves him, and would help him as much as I can, but I can’t do that because I know what I feel isn’t what he feels. And that is what scares me the most about loving him still.

When in need, call for help

Now, as you can see from my earlier posts, I had a rough semester due to my break up. To add on to the mental strain, my parents notified me only a few weeks later that our beloved family golden retriever Jake, was found having a seizure, and a week later they found him full of cancer. This led to the tough decision made by my parents to put him down when the veterinarian let them know his days were more limited than we had originally expected.

Now in the midst of this crazy semester, I had papers galore, I was searching for a new place to live, and trying to keep my sh** together at work without letting on that inside, I was hurting. I’ve dealt with hardships before, and my mother gave me one great piece of advice that I use in many other situations. That being, “when someone dies, you can’t stop living.” Now I have dealt with death in the past, and even though a break up isn’t a physical death, I thought of it as an emotional one. But my mother reminded me I can’t put my life on pause because someone else made a decision that would affect me for only a certain amount of time.

Any way, the point I was trying to make was, when you are in need call for help. In this case, I had my friend (and now room-mate), my parents, and even my friends back home. The other group of people I got in touch with slightly about my situation was my professors. Even though most people don’t believe that their teachers will care. When I had an 8 page paper due a few weeks after my break up, I really wasn’t in the mood to do a paper I had very little interest in, and after staring at the syllabus for 2 weeks, I caved and had to call my teacher for help.
Luckily she could tell I was struggling and even just telling her “I’m dealing with a few things in my life right now, and am not able to concentrate very well on this current paper as well as I would like, so I will warn you the quality of this paper will not be as good as my last” was honestly the best decision ever! Her response to this was genuine, and offered to extend the deadline if need be. Me being me, I don’t care to take an extension unless I absolutely have to; so I didn’t. And to add on, I got an 88 on a paper I felt like was 8 pages of not very well structured sentences, and kept thinking¬†“I don’t think I made many coherent sentences in this thing.” The best part was her comments were “good context,” “right idea”and “great research”, making it well known she took into consideration the amount of work I was able to put into the paper.

So lesson learned, teachers do understand that life happens and if you just explain, most, not all, will be understanding and work with you. I have to say I’ve been very lucky with the program I chose. The teachers and classmates I have, have all been wonderful, and luckily they’re all very supportive when you need them.

When in need, call for help. You might be surprised who answers your call.